John Jnr Goodwin

John Jnr Goodwin
Born sleeping 25/1/06

Big bro to Paul
Died due to a malformed cord

My baby, my Son, my Angel
Mummy carried you for 6 months and will love you forever
In my thoughts always, miss you every minute
Until we meet again at Heaven's gate

John jnr you were our honeymoon baby conceived shortly after we arrived home from our trip to Canada and the USA.

You were planned, prayed for and loved even before you were conceived. Mummys pregnancy was unremarkable. You gave her a bit of nausea but no actual morning sickness and after the tiredness of the first trimester was over she bloomed. Your 12 week and 20 week scans were normal and there was no clue what would happen next.

The only sensation Mummy had of you moving was the "bubbling" feeling which she had from around 16 weeks. At around 22 weeks she had a day where she felt your first kicks. She spent the day hugging her stomach loving the feeling. Then you went quiet. Im so sorry I didnt realise what was happening to you although I do know I could not have stopped it. They told me your lungs were too small for you to have survived had I gone for help earlier. I mentioned to anyone who would listen that you were very quiet and not moving much but they all said not to worry you were just a lazy baby. It took two weeks of getting more and more worried before I phoned the hospital and they told me to come in. Grandma came with me but waited in the car. The midwife tried to find your heartbeat but wasnt too concerned when she couldnt, she thought you were just playing hide and seek. It was at the scan she sent me for I found out that you were actually already an Angel and had left me still with your shell inside for a few days but really and truly empty. I watched the screen but from the first moment I knew you were gone as I couldnt see that flicker of life as your heart beat. It was 8 minutes before they confirmed my worst fears and I just screamed, long, loud and primal.

They wanted to give me a pill to start getting things ready for me giving birth to your body. At first I was scared to. What if they had made a mistake? What if it was me taking this pill that killed you? They all told me that there was no chance you were still alive so I took the pill. I then begged them to operate to remove your shell as how could I give birth to a dead baby? How cruel was that? It took them an hour to persuade me that it was best for my body and to give me the best chance of having another baby in the future. You were too small to do a section and the cut they would have to make would totally weaken my uterus. Eventually I agreed.

The day between the scan and giving birth was very strange. Who has to arrange a funeral for a child they are still carrying? We wanted you buried near home in a very beautiful and peaceful cemetry which is really well cared for. We arranged for your service in the Church where Mummy and Daddy met and married. We were in a daze.

I smile when I think of your birth. It may seem strange but we decided that this was all we could do for you and the only time we could spend with you so we would make the most of it. I went into hospital at 8am with Grandma and Daddy. We were taken to a lovely family room which had a double bed and was made to look homely. I was given a pessary to start things off. Several pills later contractions started around 1pm. I went into the ward bath to ease them. To get there I had to pass rooms of happy Mums with their babies. It was really hard knowing I wasnt going to be like them. Around 5pm your Auntie Claire arrived and around this time the contractions began in earnest. By around 9pm my head was spinning and I didnt think I could take anymore. You were born at 10.10pm. The cord was short and the midwifes couldnt move you or turn you until I delivered the afterbirth which they had to help me with. We had to wait to find out what you were. Eventually they could tell me we had a son. You were tiny and very grumpy looking as your skin was wrinkled over your brow with the effort of being born. Your skin was red and tatty but we thought you were gorgeous. It was obvious that you left your body a while before I knew. This made me feel a bit better as I was still dwelling on the worry that the pill I took killed you. We spent 3 hours with you. As time passed your grumpy look smoothed out and you looked more peacefull. We took masses of photos to remember you by. Eventually we let the midwifes take you away. Mummy and Daddy curled up in the double bed and slept the night in each others arms. At one point I woke to the sound of running feet and I heard what I knew was a babys first cry. Something I never heard from you. We went home without you the next day after signing the forms to let them do a post mortem on you. We did want to know why.

We brought you home the morning of your funeral which was exactly a week after your birth. Although they didnt want me to I place the teddys and momentos in the coffin with your body myself. I had been worrying that I wouldnt be able to let you go but the changes in your body reassured me that you werent there so I didnt find it so hard. Daddy and I carried your coffin out to the funeral car and then up to the Church. It was Daddy who led your service and Mummy said a poem. We sang